It is very good that this situation has caused you to become aware of your emotions. You also made an astute observation about the nature of the mind, and how difficult it is to control when it becomes disturbed. That takes humility, honesty, and sincerity to admit these things and ask for help. You have already taken a very important first step – especially for anyone who aspires to maintain a healthy, peaceful mind. The majority of people are not aware of their emotions at all. In fact, they do not acknowledge their feelings, which causes them to come forth uncontrollably sometimes. In the case of anger, it can be expressed explosively, or it can be turned inward and cause physical or mental disease such as heart problems, or depression. As you mentioned that sometimes when you get triggered, you become very depressed and your, “natural enthusiasm for spiritual life becomes nil.” That means that on these occasions you have let the thing that disturbs you take your mind away from Krishna. In these instances, your mind has gone to its lower nature, which is to have dislike, and then become angry.
Therefore, just acknowledging your feelings is not enough to control the volatile mind, which is why you still have experienced your mind going on a rampage at times even when you recognized the emotions. The mind cannot be controlled without using the buddhi, your intelligence, which requires understanding of how the unconscious mind works in order to take control. Once you have this understanding, you will be able to apply this wisdom, using it as the reigns to control the wild mind.
Using the Jiva Vedic Psychology approach, we search for the root cause of the problem, which is never what it seems to be at first glance. In other words, the root cause of your problem is not this disturbing devotee with whom you are in association. The root cause of your problem is two fold:
We know, however, that fixing your mind on Krishna is not so easy, otherwise, we all would have done it by now. Here are some steps you can take to help clear and calm your mind so it can be easier to fix it on Sri Krishna.
The real message Krishna wanted to give was of pure love. Love without any bargain or motive. Just love for the sake of love. Ultimately, we are seeking God because we are all looking for pure love. Nobody wants conditional love. But love is a very scary thing because you have to make yourself completely open. But, because of your attachments you cannot experience pure love.
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